Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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