why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
