i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I looked at my own cervix.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
