Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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