I have demons in me.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Randomize
