Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
