I was born with a shot glass in my hand
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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