oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
