My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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