Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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