Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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