I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
