I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
