I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
