Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
