glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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