barbara walters just said penis...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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