hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
