I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Randomize
