Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
