fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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