Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
