What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
