I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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