In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
