Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
