Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
