sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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