You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
