gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Randomize