God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
