I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
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It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
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She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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