hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I think I sprained my soul last night
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
