Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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