Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
