Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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