Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
