Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
