Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I have aggressive nipples.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
