I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
