it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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