Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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