Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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