u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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