dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
