why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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