well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
