omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
