im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
