Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
