Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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