If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
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At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
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He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.