im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
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did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.