so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Mom said you looked used
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
