How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just blew my weed a kiss
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
