Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
