are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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