It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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